To my dismay the world could not be fucked, smoked or snorted — I wished I could skip it along an ocean. It was okay at an acceptable distance. Atoms were beautiful. Stars were beautiful. It was just everything in between. I didn’t feel right. Something shadowy bubbled up in my stomach, pushed down on my chest and whispered “There’s something wrong with you”, something I could never trace to its source. I was meant to be alone. I was a burden. I had to slit my throat.
Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.’
In the end there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to.
There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.
Fall in love when you are ready, not when you’re lonely.
I used to fear the small things
like forgetting to take my vitamins,
sitting in the bath for so long I would shrivel up
and disappear or losing a tooth down the drain.
I still plug the sink when I’m brushing my teeth
but now the world is much larger
and forces words onto your tongue you do not understand
like bills and insurance, sickness and death.
I’ve learned there are much bigger things to fear
than wrinkles on your fingers.
I’ve been told that love is the biggest thing to fear,
but I’ve never been afraid of falling. What I am afraid of
is that one day my heart is going to stand up and walk away
without a note taped to kitchen counter saying,
‘I’ll be home soon, don’t wait up.’